29 April 2010

on repeat

i thought i was done with that cycle. i need to find some balance.

23 April 2010

h/dubs

I am  very, very particular with what I listen to when I do homework. It takes a lot to get me in the zone, and the music I listen to has everything to do with it. The albums that never fail to do such are:

The XX- "XX"
Laura Veirs- "July Flame"
Fleet Foxes- "Fleet Foxes"
Sea Wolf- "Leaves in the River"
Bon Iver- "For Emma, Forever Ago"
The Fugees- "The Score"

18 April 2010

tension

to know someone and not know someone at the same time.
to feel something and to not feel anything at the same time.
to feel like it was 3 years ago and just yesterday at the same time.
to feel happy and to feel sad at the same time.

to live within the tension of contradiction and to accept it as such is really complicated and overwhelming and confusing. such is life.

14 April 2010

peace

i let go, and i was set free.


12 April 2010

pinot

girl's night with wine and heart to hearts 2k10. great night that ultimately led to me walking into our back screen door. can.

10 April 2010

point system

I'm white with freckles which gives me a point. I like penises so that bumps me up another level. I'm winning. Middle class family? Check. Another point in my favor. Liking penises works in my favor, but it still doesn’t give me a penis no matter how much I like them. I inevitably get a point subtracted because I have a vagina. Taking this step backwards actually helps me see things a little clearer but my sight gets me nowhere. The more you see the more you know. The more you see the more you know you see, you know? And I know and there is no way that it will help me. They say ignorance is bliss. My freckles only get me so far because my labia majoras entitle me to ass slaps and being told my tears make me less credible.

What if I was hated for my vagina and my skin? What if I was hated for my vagina and my skin and my income? What if I was hated for my vagina and my skin and my income and god forbid actually liking vaginas. Having a vagina and liking vaginas puts you in last place.

I still don't know and see as much as the ones in last place. And it's interesting, that you wouldn't win for knowing the most. But if you were winning, you wouldn't know the most. And this cycle perpetuates itself and we all stay stuck.

06 April 2010

construct

Although I am prone to believe in social constructionism/constructivism, talking to Lauren and having the capacity to love convinces me that there have to be some innate things within each and every one of us;  innate character traits that we were destined to have, regardless of our social environment.

This is the stuff that makes me think God exists. I'm not convinced of much else, but I am open. Instead of ravenously seeking like I used to, I've been practicing "just being." If I don't have the capacity for faith right now, then I just don't. I trust that if I am supposed to, this ability to believe in certain things will hit me. And I'll know then that none of it was forced, and that it is the way things are supposed to be. All of that to say, I believe that everyone has the capability for good. And that everyone has the capacity to love. There are moments when these two things convince me that these then must be qualities of said higher power. And in these moments I feel like I have a fraction of clarity into who God is.

blabber, blabber, blabber. bottomline: i believe something different every other day. sigh.

04 April 2010

new leaf

im stoked on life right now. new beginningz n shit, br0.

01 April 2010

not fooling you

Empowered by the word no and my life and where I am going. This is a good feeling that I could get used to. I can finally say confidently that I am growing up and not down. I think the last year has been worth it.
I couldn't be any more ready for the summertime. Only a final 5 week stretch and then I'm home free. At least for 4 months. I feel peaceful. This feeling is long overdue and hopefully something that sticks.

I've been revisiting Augustana and Laura Veirs (July Flame) and it is good.