21 January 2010

little person

i'm still trying to figure out the whole being happy thing. the fleeting feeling comes in waves and leaves in tsunamies. it can be exhausting with how cyclical it all is. self discovery, motivation, screw up, self-deprecate, drown a little, self discovery, motivation, and on and on and im really not a morbid person i swear but i hate feeling like i cant be too honest because then ill just scare you away.
i never took myself for one to 'bottle.' but the older i get, the more i bottle. and the more i hear myself screaming inside while you casually say hi and goodbye without a clue of what i wish we could be, or my heart is on the floor and my brain is attacking me and im screaming inside again and i just want anyone to notice or see through me in spite of the fact that i'm smiling at you. but alas, the invention for that still doesn't exist. and i smile and you or you just smile back. and it's no one's fault but my own. i used to really admire people that bottled. i thought it made you strong. but im here, now. and sometimes it's like im trapped. like i have a legitimate mini version of me that is the real me and sits in my chest with inner monologues and loud screams and stomps and tears that will never manifest themselves. i guess the reality is, we probably all have one of those. it's kind of a funny thing to picture, actually. go ahead. picture your little person. it's fun.