20 December 2010

love is in the water drops


Green needles,
Sparkling with water drops
And a street lamp glow.
I inhale and I wonder about
How Shug Avery told her and
Told me that not fixating on
What god looks like, frees us.

I'm seeing God in those sparkles
And I begin to feel something
Inside of me unfolding.

Love can be so illusive,
And just when I think I'm sure that
I know how to love,
Im reminded how often
People are just things,
How often we dehumanize one another.

How often I avoid your eyes
And how often our interactions
Are merely transactions
And you and you are nameless to me,
And you serve this purpose,
And you serve this purpose,
And on and on.

How deeply I have to dig
To uncover what I am learning is a true love,
A love that spills and bubbles
Without expectation of return,
Without exchange.
A love that remembers your name,
That holds your eye gaze,
And that isn't afraid to touch.

A love that is in the sparkling waterdrops,
Because love is god and god is in those drops.
A love that is in the little things and the little moments,

Something I told her while her hopeless, sparkling teardrops
Shimmied down the star tattoos on her neck,
And something that I have yet to
Learn how to exercise myself.

15 December 2010

d0ne

i've been waiting for this day since the first day of the semester. i truly have never had such a demanding semester in college. i'm elated! it's over! only one more semester until i have my bachelors degree!

04 December 2010

Need some Productive Distraction?

I know I do, amidst all of the chaos of life and papers and finals and work. Check out Andy Michelson's new website! All of his amazing artwork is up from screenprints to photos to sketches. The shop will up soon as well, and I'm looking forward to buying this shirt:
Also, we are in the midst of the 8 days of Hannukuh celebration. I do have Jewish roots however, I would never claim myself as Jewish beyond heritage (though I wish I could). Regardless, Hannukuh-celebrating or not - anyone can appreciate this dreamy acapella video. It's definately a youtube hit:


Also, I can't forget to mention the mind-blowing craftiness that are my friends Rachael & Amy, both of whom are now proud Etsy shop owners!! Check their blog to get those links. I lust for the time and creativity to do what these women do.

Okay, no more time for distractions. Off I go to write some papers.

26 November 2010

updatE

I've lost all ability to get anything productive done. I am home and all I want to do is eat, go on walks in this gorgeous crisp air, be with my family & friends, and sleep. I also would like to be smoking because it sounds comforting, but it's getting easier. My heart hurts a little bit, but I'm already settling into that because being single is what is most familiar now. The next three weeks will be unmanageable, but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel! I just can't be so fixated on that light that I don't do ANYTHING, as tempting as it is..
Here are some photos from my hilarious, at times awkward, champagne & food filled Thanksgiving:





26 October 2010

09 October 2010

changing feathers



Summer has ended and the real intensity of the school semester is beginning. Every time I decide I want to blog, I don't even know where to begin let alone where to end. I'll leave you with this thought:

"It is always the simple things that change our lives. And these things never happen when you are looking for them to happen. Life will reveal answers at the pace life wishes to do so. You feel like running, but life is on a stroll. This is how God does things." 
- Donald Miller

08 September 2010

-

Woman's Lament I

And the last perhaps will not return
and knows me not although I burn. 
Ah the trees overhang glowingly
and I feel no one feeling me.

by Rainier Maria Rilke

07 September 2010

action


"Just as the clash of interests within the Have-a-Little, Want Mores has bred so many of the great leaders it has also spawned a particular breed stalemated by cross interests into inaction. These Do-Nothings profess a commitment to social change for ideals of justice, equality, and opportunity, and then abstain from and discourage all effective action for change. They are known by their brand, 'I agree with your ends but not your means.' They function as blankets whenever possbile smothering sparks of dissension that promise to flare up into the fire of action. These Do-Nothings appear publicly as good men, humanitarian, concerned with justice and dignity. In practice they are invidious. They are the ones Edmund Burke referred to when he said, acidly: 'The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.'"





(Go read Rules for Radicals by Saul D. Alinsky)

27 August 2010

astrologize me!


"The Leo female makes sure of one thing: She will be utterly free to express herself however, whenever, & to whatever degree she sees fit." Legit astrology research has been happening in this house as of late. The Leo female is the intertwining of both the Greek goddess Artemis, the Huntress, and Hestia, the goddess of the Hearth. I am fascinated with both of these women.

19 August 2010

rewind

My friends got married and it was a magical night that feels like a dream. It went by too fast and I think about it and want to rewind time. I also turned 21, and was asked to be a godmother. Time is moving too fast and it scares me. Growing up, growing up, growing up - this seems to be the theme of life as of late. The reminder is constantly being shoved in my face. All of that to say, I'm in a really great place. The last week I have been overwhelmed with gratitude for the people and the love that I am surrounded by. Thanks, god.

14 August 2010

grow up

     Tomorrow/today two of my beautiful friends get married. It's all happening. Our family gets a chance to reunite for 24 hours, two of whom will be tying the knot and moving into a completely new chapter of their lives. They will move and everyone will drive back to their new homes in different cities and states.
  
     It's weird, this growing up shit. You make a new family in college and then that family disperses to make new families; biological and not biological. It's like I've said before. Life is full of little lifetimes, smashed together. Everything is changing and moving on and moving away. It is beautiful, and heart wrenching all in one.
  
     I'll never forget the time we all spent together living in Azusa, just a few streets away from one another; dropping in unannounced, and accidentally taking all of it for granted. It's all happening. It is beautiful, and it is heart wrenching.
  
     And now to go celebrate one of the most beautiful romantic relationships I've been lucky enough to watch and know. Cheers!

28 July 2010

26 July 2010

dreamy

my sister/roomie is back from nepal and everything feels completely complete. i've never had so much fun just spending time with my roommates and being myself. life right now is good. real good. im learning how to just be, as well as the reality that being alone doesn't necessarily mean being lonely.

14 July 2010

how many lifetimes have you lived so far?

I’ve begun to think of my life up to this point as a series of lifetimes. Some of the lifetimes are four years long and some are a few short months. Some lifetimes exist within other lifetimes.
I've been thinking a lot about reincarnation, and the idea of the energy within me having come from somewhere before I lived and going into something else after I die. Maybe we're constantly reincarnating in the physical sense over the course of this current life. Maybe it's the energies we absorb from the passing of others that thrust us into new phases and motivations and identities.

08 July 2010

f u l l

Every single day is a new beginning. Those moments when you realize how far you've come and how positively and drastically you have evolved... those moments are full and rewarding. I'm currently working on being both proactive with my life and giving up on expectations all at the same time.
"I'm sick of not having the courage to be an absolute nobody." - Franny

24 June 2010

K'naan




This guy blows my mind. His rhymes are poetry, and I cannot get enough. Enjoy.

22 June 2010

dumpster memories

there are two trashbags full of memories ive decided i dont need anymore. you might say, "well, theyre still stored in your head." and then i'd tell you that ive realized while sifting through all of this shit, how much doesn't actually stick. how many experiences we have that actually just dissappear forever. and this i think was my point in saving countless ticket stubs and pamphlets and notes and photos. and as disturbing to me as it is that we can soak in moments as willfully as possible and yet they can still vanish from our grasp without any permission... i think it would be too draining to have really retained all of it. and i think that's why there are now two trashbags waiting for the dump. thats at least how i justify the act of throwing away countless moments. i wonder who will find them and what they'll think of me.

15 June 2010

full.

telegraph and hand holding and sober laughs. things are seeming to intertwine just right and for this i am content. i did a double take at his face and i remembered that that jaw is something special. and propping my head against the cold window at 3 in the morning it dawned on me, 'i cant believe im doing this.' rilke's words still ring in my head and wine still makes me more giddy and i feel free and ready for a new adventure. i feel ready to take risks because i feel strong again. my soul and my heart feel full. does that make sense? its an intangible concept, and yet it seems the only way to describe my current state. my soul and my heart feel full.

02 June 2010

drive

        I recently realized that I never go on drives. It’s never struck me as something even minutely appealing. But this last week I’ve been noticing how much I love being in the car sometimes; how some of my best contemplation happens on the road with my music up to decibel 25 and endless cigarettes calming my mind. So today after work, I just started driving. I drove and drove and drove, for an hour. Sometimes I felt stupid… driving with the forced intent of being on a contemplative drive, avoiding the freeway because of traffic, and being confined by stoplights and city walls. But I drove anyways. I drove and I listened to the songs that made all of us dance harder and kiss harder and laugh harder in May. I thought of how I would give anything to live my life as poetically as Rilke encourages, and tried to take his advice and listen to my innermost being. It was wonderful.

bible de la rilke

"You are so young, so before all beginning, and I want to beg you, as much as I can dear sir, to be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves like locked rooms and like books that are written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer."
 - Rainier Maria Rilke

'Letters to a Young Poet' has been sitting on my shelf since my 18th birthday, and for whatever reason, I was never possessed with the motivation to read it. I started it tonight, and I'm almost finished. It is blowing my mind, and for the time being, my own personal Bible.

30 May 2010

gone

so much happened over the last few weeks that i think we all reached a new level of closeness. and now everyone is gone. i have battle wounds and dirty feet and my heart is aching.

18 May 2010

My heart is my badge. This is my best and worst quality. It is too easy access. I need to hide it better.

11 May 2010

momentary

Is it worth it to put your heart through the ringer for the sake of the moment? This is the question I've found myself asking a lot over the last few days. You would think after everything, I wouldn't wear my heart on my sleeve anymore and I'd be some variation of a hardened mystery. But to no avail. Being a hopeless romantic and trying to protect one's self at the same time has proven to be somewhat of a giant contradiction. I guess this is what life is about; moments and falling and getting up again, and figuring out what's worth it and what isn't. Whether or not you can even figure that out without taking the plunge is the real question, I suppose.

03 May 2010

Imaginarium



Please read this article with an open mind! I would encourage you to lay back and allow yourself to completely re-imagine your own version of a justice system, completely separate from that which we have been conditioned to believe and assume is necessary in this country (strongly punitive and inhumane.) In doing so myself, I find myself coming up with exciting ideas that sound too fantastical to really work... and more importantly, ever be accepted by a majority. And then I read this article, and I saw a glimmer of hope. The best part is that these seemingly fantastical systems are being put to the test, and passing passing passing. Imagination, creativity, and love are the answer to our problems! I knew it! Call me an idealist, I DGAF (i love this acronym and always forget to use it).

02 May 2010

thankful

i am thankful for all of the amazing people i have in my life. i am incredibly lucky. this weekend was wonderful. four more days, and junior year of college is over. wow.

29 April 2010

on repeat

i thought i was done with that cycle. i need to find some balance.

23 April 2010

h/dubs

I am  very, very particular with what I listen to when I do homework. It takes a lot to get me in the zone, and the music I listen to has everything to do with it. The albums that never fail to do such are:

The XX- "XX"
Laura Veirs- "July Flame"
Fleet Foxes- "Fleet Foxes"
Sea Wolf- "Leaves in the River"
Bon Iver- "For Emma, Forever Ago"
The Fugees- "The Score"

18 April 2010

tension

to know someone and not know someone at the same time.
to feel something and to not feel anything at the same time.
to feel like it was 3 years ago and just yesterday at the same time.
to feel happy and to feel sad at the same time.

to live within the tension of contradiction and to accept it as such is really complicated and overwhelming and confusing. such is life.

14 April 2010

peace

i let go, and i was set free.


12 April 2010

pinot

girl's night with wine and heart to hearts 2k10. great night that ultimately led to me walking into our back screen door. can.

10 April 2010

point system

I'm white with freckles which gives me a point. I like penises so that bumps me up another level. I'm winning. Middle class family? Check. Another point in my favor. Liking penises works in my favor, but it still doesn’t give me a penis no matter how much I like them. I inevitably get a point subtracted because I have a vagina. Taking this step backwards actually helps me see things a little clearer but my sight gets me nowhere. The more you see the more you know. The more you see the more you know you see, you know? And I know and there is no way that it will help me. They say ignorance is bliss. My freckles only get me so far because my labia majoras entitle me to ass slaps and being told my tears make me less credible.

What if I was hated for my vagina and my skin? What if I was hated for my vagina and my skin and my income? What if I was hated for my vagina and my skin and my income and god forbid actually liking vaginas. Having a vagina and liking vaginas puts you in last place.

I still don't know and see as much as the ones in last place. And it's interesting, that you wouldn't win for knowing the most. But if you were winning, you wouldn't know the most. And this cycle perpetuates itself and we all stay stuck.

06 April 2010

construct

Although I am prone to believe in social constructionism/constructivism, talking to Lauren and having the capacity to love convinces me that there have to be some innate things within each and every one of us;  innate character traits that we were destined to have, regardless of our social environment.

This is the stuff that makes me think God exists. I'm not convinced of much else, but I am open. Instead of ravenously seeking like I used to, I've been practicing "just being." If I don't have the capacity for faith right now, then I just don't. I trust that if I am supposed to, this ability to believe in certain things will hit me. And I'll know then that none of it was forced, and that it is the way things are supposed to be. All of that to say, I believe that everyone has the capability for good. And that everyone has the capacity to love. There are moments when these two things convince me that these then must be qualities of said higher power. And in these moments I feel like I have a fraction of clarity into who God is.

blabber, blabber, blabber. bottomline: i believe something different every other day. sigh.

04 April 2010

new leaf

im stoked on life right now. new beginningz n shit, br0.

01 April 2010

not fooling you

Empowered by the word no and my life and where I am going. This is a good feeling that I could get used to. I can finally say confidently that I am growing up and not down. I think the last year has been worth it.
I couldn't be any more ready for the summertime. Only a final 5 week stretch and then I'm home free. At least for 4 months. I feel peaceful. This feeling is long overdue and hopefully something that sticks.

I've been revisiting Augustana and Laura Veirs (July Flame) and it is good.

23 March 2010

almost almost

sleeping, sunning, working, homeworking, people-ing.
spring break in 3 days, i need it so bad!

20 March 2010

(dis)connected

It feels like yesterday and 5 years ago all at the same time.

16 March 2010

Mary Crow Dog

Read Lakota Woman, the inspiring autobiography of Mary Crow Dog. Heartbreak and beauty are interwoven to depict the strife of a Native American woman in the 20th century. I read this book in speedy fashion considering 19 units of homework, work, and life combined.

14 March 2010

inching closer

And I wore those boots with high heels and red lipstick, and I couldn't shake my social anxiety that was closing in on me like a fungus. I can't be too tall I can't stand out too much I can't I can't I don't deserve I don't deserve. And then I stomped on it, and I chose to embrace my height and my lips standing out like a sore thumb. And I felt like more of a woman; a woman with curves and 6 feet tall in heels. And for the first time in all these months I don't need to cling to a hope of his this or his that or my phone ringing 949 because it doesn't even matter anymore. I refuse to live for a delusion. I am me and I can stay home on a Friday night and do homework and be comfortable in who I am. And I don't need to fake for you guys anymore. If I don't call it's because you aren't my priority. And I'm drawing boundaries and I'm staying inside of them and I'm wearing heels when I go out and letting myself stay in and not needing to be known and not needing to know.
Maybe this journey of figuring out who the hell I am is actually taking me somewhere. And teaching me something. And maybe I am getting a little bit closer.

04 March 2010

 
  

I'm so sick of Azusa, and yet I know I have so many reasons to be thankful. These people heavily contribute to that reality.

23 February 2010

amen

"Patriarchal society is a dysfunctional system that mirrors the dysfunctional nuclear family. That is, severe abuse in the family continues because the family members learn to regard it as 'normal.'"
- Andrea Smith

"Dysfunctional systems are often maintained through systematic denial, a failure or inability to see the reality of a situation. This denial need not be conscious, intentional, or malicious; it only needs to be pervasive to be effective."
- Karen Warren

Go read Conquest.

16 February 2010

if only we could fly!

 
  
 

I love these photos. 

15 February 2010

updating you

Watch:
Adam.
Whip It.

Never stop listening to:
Noah and the Whale's 'Peaceful the World Lays Me Down' album.
Beyonce's 'I Am Sasha Fierce' album.

Read
Privilege, Power, and Difference

I just hiked Garcia trail for the first time after 3 years of living in Azusa. I feel accomplished and also late to jump on the train. I'm listening to Passion Pit for the first time and think it's good dancing, showering, and cleaning music. I also jumped on that train late. I'm determined to start fostering friendships that I've always held at a distance, and leave Azusa for adventures more often. I've felt studious lately but that has also left me feeling overwhelmed and hermit-like. I think I've gotten pickier with who I really want and need in my life, but I think in the big scheme of things it's going to be really beneficial for me. 

Good thing she's my roommate. That's all for now.

11 February 2010

i need a lighter

people's ignorance and hatred and unwillingness to see the importance of seeing into people souls and not the way they may or may not have sex is making me hurt. the past two days have been heavy and i feel the weight of the world and that light called hope is almost burnt out right now, but i trust that it will flicker again soon. the house of love has had a hard week or two and i think we all feel heavy together. i think we will all pick each other up again, hopefully with the help of mackenzie's good vibes flying to us from kathmandu. sometimes, you have to let yourself share your friends' pain. it makes you more human and it teaches you what it means to love deeper.

21 January 2010

little person

i'm still trying to figure out the whole being happy thing. the fleeting feeling comes in waves and leaves in tsunamies. it can be exhausting with how cyclical it all is. self discovery, motivation, screw up, self-deprecate, drown a little, self discovery, motivation, and on and on and im really not a morbid person i swear but i hate feeling like i cant be too honest because then ill just scare you away.
i never took myself for one to 'bottle.' but the older i get, the more i bottle. and the more i hear myself screaming inside while you casually say hi and goodbye without a clue of what i wish we could be, or my heart is on the floor and my brain is attacking me and im screaming inside again and i just want anyone to notice or see through me in spite of the fact that i'm smiling at you. but alas, the invention for that still doesn't exist. and i smile and you or you just smile back. and it's no one's fault but my own. i used to really admire people that bottled. i thought it made you strong. but im here, now. and sometimes it's like im trapped. like i have a legitimate mini version of me that is the real me and sits in my chest with inner monologues and loud screams and stomps and tears that will never manifest themselves. i guess the reality is, we probably all have one of those. it's kind of a funny thing to picture, actually. go ahead. picture your little person. it's fun.