03 October 2009

spirit ual

I am experiencing for the first time in awhile, a strong desire for faith in something. I desperately want to be able to have faith in at least one attribute of God, or faith in a purpose of the existence of human life. I think for awhile I've convinced myself that I felt liberated in being outside of all organized religion; believing that searching for meaning and purpose outside of the here and now is pathetic and needy, and that I didn't need a crutch. Well I am officially over that, it is exhausting. As much as I feel completely disconnected from peoples' experiences in chapel, I find myself desperately wanting what they have; some sort of collective and communal understanding of at least a few concrete details pertaining to the purpose of life and higher power. It is surreal being in this position, knowing that a year or two ago, I would have looked at me now as somewhat of an outsider... that poor, lost person who I would pray would somehow find salvation. Truly bizarre to think about. I know who I really want to believe that God is... do you form faith by just telling yourself who God is enough times, that you start to believe it at some point? Mackenzie thinks I intellectualize all of this way too much. I realize that things of the unconscious and spiritual nature are far beyond the bounds of earthly intellectualization however, I cannot seem to get in touch with this other side of existence. This unconscious, this spiritual, this concept of blind faith... I'm even trying to understand what sort of method I am supposed to go about exercising in order to attain faith. Hahaha. That's pretty hilarious when I say that out loud. So I guess... I just sit and wait, wait for my life experiences to give me authentic faith in something? That's all I can really do at this point. I have been trying to pray. By trying I mean praying, just not knowing if it is working.
That's all for now.

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