27 August 2009

grateful

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This summer has been a summer of heat and growth. Hours spent on our porch couches, too many ciggarettes smoked, books read, books started and not finished, new movies, eating steamed veggies every single day, lots of coffee, lots of water, lots of sun, girl talk galore, downsizing to a small purse, letting my hair get ratted with the windows down on the freeway (and not caring) (this is a big deal for me) (pathetic, yes), trying to be more compassionate, making lists, crossing things off, procrastinating, singalongs, l.a. trips, new friends, more new friends, late nights, our 12 foot tall sunflowers, processing, coping, making more lists. I am so thankful for a houseful of friends that are all apart of my journey, that are helping shape how I learn to live and love human beings, that all have beautiful and different angles of thought and perspective. I am thankful that I was able to push through a hump of self-deprecation and sadness. I am thankful that I have passion to be a whole person mind, body, and soul, and feel motivation to make things happen. This summer my extended family has expanded. growth, love, companionship, tears, aloneness, laughter... This summer was really fucking hard. This summer was full of a lot of pain, but also full of alot of joy and healing.

20 August 2009

i wish i had a river that i could skate away on

I am trying to live. I am trying to soak up all the moments and remember all the little details and be a good person. I am learning. I don’t want to miss anything.

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11 August 2009

i think my heart will continue to hurt for a long, long time. i hate that.
david bazan and augustana and the dirty projectors are on repeat in my car. im re-reading middlesex now. i was really sad when i finished extremely loud and incredibly close. i didnt want it to end. 500 days of summer was beautiful, as was coraline! i can't wait until i get off work tomorrow... 5 days of no work and fun fun fun with friends. birthday festivities and the flaming lips and universal studios and on and on.

06 August 2009

hard to be

david bazan's new album hits incredibly close to home. he beautifully articulates my insides, and it blows my mind while i listen to 'hard to be' and 'curse your branches' on repeat. maybe because of bazan's new album constantly playing in my household, but there has been alot of religious/post-christian conversation going on amongst my friends. ive shoved these conversations both out loud and in my head as far away as possible for some time now, having felt drained from a year of empty seeking. i think it has been a good thing for me to view these again.
july was a month of self-evaluation and these last few weeks have been refreshing and intentional. my job is decent and im meeting new people. i cant say that im anywhere near a state of mind where i can confidently say that i am okay being alone. but i am really trying and learning alot about who i am. people said that would happen.
my house is always full of people and i love it. our sunflowers continue to grow and grow and grow. cheyenne continues to shit and pee on our carpet. i continue to smoke way too much. growing growing growingggggggggggg. its hard but i guess thats usually how growing feels.