21 April 2009

peace of mind

I cannot remember the last time I felt inner peace. Until now. I had a lot of self-realizations on Friday, and chose to be wholly honest with myself about who I am. You'd be surprised at how hard that is to do... to take an authentic self-inventory, and then just stare at it. Sure, I felt shitty about myself for a little. But it was shockingly freeing to connect alot of dots. I realized how much of my anxiety is self-induced. I realized that I am always focusing on what this moment isn't, what I am not, and who you are not. It has completely halted any possibility for me to live in the moment. These are general results of many, many particular habits and characteristics I discovered that I possess; habits and characteristics that are ugly. It might sound like a depressing discovery, but it truly was liberating. .It was the first time I have felt any ounce of spirituality in an extremely long time. Who would of thought this would come out of me going to Asterid's AA meeting and watching her speak?
I feel a lot of gratitude right now; for people and my life in general. I feel peaceful in spite of stressful circumstances. I just hope this sticks.

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