21 April 2009

peace of mind

I cannot remember the last time I felt inner peace. Until now. I had a lot of self-realizations on Friday, and chose to be wholly honest with myself about who I am. You'd be surprised at how hard that is to do... to take an authentic self-inventory, and then just stare at it. Sure, I felt shitty about myself for a little. But it was shockingly freeing to connect alot of dots. I realized how much of my anxiety is self-induced. I realized that I am always focusing on what this moment isn't, what I am not, and who you are not. It has completely halted any possibility for me to live in the moment. These are general results of many, many particular habits and characteristics I discovered that I possess; habits and characteristics that are ugly. It might sound like a depressing discovery, but it truly was liberating. .It was the first time I have felt any ounce of spirituality in an extremely long time. Who would of thought this would come out of me going to Asterid's AA meeting and watching her speak?
I feel a lot of gratitude right now; for people and my life in general. I feel peaceful in spite of stressful circumstances. I just hope this sticks.

04 April 2009

here goes

I kind of just jumped right in there and got to business with that last post. I went backwards... now I'll intro to my blog I guess.
Blogs scare me. Often times, I find them pretentious which then makes me fearful to just write my thoughts as they are. So here I go... writing my thoughts and choosing not to care. I feel like I need to record moments and phases of thought I experience; I am always anxious and often do not fully retain beauty and pain and personal evolution because I don't give myself time to. I need to catch up with what is going on within me and around me. This is a small part of that attempt.

if there is anyone who is in the sun

The only thing I am sure of at this point, is the beauty of humanity.
I am amazed at how much I have assumed for such a long period of my life. It does not really make that much sense to ASSUME that God loves individuals. It does not really make that much sense to ASSUME that there is "one way" to truth. There are times when it makes some sense to me, but then my mind clouds and I am full of doubt again. I am sick of cliche; my heart is hard towards Christendom. My heart is hard towards exclusivism, and towards those who assume "Christ is the only way." I sometimes still believe this, but very loosely; not in terms of the 'salvation prayer.'
I am angry at exclusivists for thinking they know all; and yet in this angriness I think that I know they are wrong... which in turn makes me an exclusivist in my own way. And it is in this hardened heart I have towards these people, that I lack love. And then there is nothing in me to counteract what I perceive from them as self-righteousness.
Is it wrong to be exclusivist to some degree? There has to be some solid ground. I cannot completely buy cultural relativism, and yet I become angry with those who think they have it all right and concrete. I'm just a loose cannon right now. Nothing is concrete for me.
Ramble, ramble, ramble. My mind is in a constant state of circulation when it comes to the topic of spirituality and the institutions that come with it. Sometimes I am okay with not knowing and really embracing all of this ambiguity and unsure-ness as apart of 'the journey,' and sometimes I feel completely overwhelmed by it, and sometimes I just feel angry and want to blame people for screwing up what I thought was a pure image of God.
This is a big time for me in my life. I have growing pains. And I am not the happiest I have ever been. But I know my questions, blame, confusion, and exposure to realities of the world are apart of me becoming more one with the rest of the world... being thrown deeper and deeper into solidarity with the rest of the world and this bewildering, cosmic mystery called life.