24 December 2009

thought attack

I can't tell if I'm growing up or growing down.

08 December 2009

spirals

What a society that we live in, where it is commonplace for women to be sucked into drugs, taken advantage of, and more often than not left to rot and die. What a society we live in where it is commonplace for people to have been sexually abused by the time they reach young adulthood. No matter what level of higher education you have reached, how "together" you are by social standards, or how hard you have tried to "make something of yourself" in this dog-eat-dog world, no one is exempt from being capable of being sucked into this heinous reality.

I have two friends from different times in my life, who have both come back into my life with similar stories. Both girls have college degrees. Both girls are brilliant. Both girls are beautiful. Both girls are dynamic and independent and inspiring. Both girls were rapidly thrust into similar circumstances where their lives spiraled downwards, interwoven in crystal meth and power-hungry men and tainted sex. Both girls found a way out, and were also able to find each other.

I am excited to see what is in the future for them, being that they are both enthusiastic about recovery. However, I can't help but be incredibly saddened by the reality of what they both had to go through, with the scars they'll have forever, and with the reality that this is all their situation really is... the reality of the world that we live in.

It's things like this that make me hopeless about the world and life and the tragedies that are crouching around seemingly every corner. And then it's things like them being alive and us re-connecting and them finding each other that make me believe in a God. It's things like this that also make me believe in a God that has some sort of hand in our lives here, and a God that maybe makes himself the most real in our pits of despair. As cliche as that concept is, it has never seemed so real to me as it does now.

26 November 2009

full of thanks in full

thankful for my beautiful family and my beautiful extended family in azusa and cheyenne and the house of love and our back porch and thankful for growing pains and thankful for being lucky enough to have experienced being in love and thankful for learning and education and thankful for singalongs and thankful for our pillowtalk and thankful for food and also thankful for people in my life that challenge me and thankful for 2009 and thankful that 2009 is almost over. thankful that god listens.

25 November 2009

la la la

fighting, fighting, fighting the urge to treat this break like Christmas break and like there are no heinous lingering deadlines! it's proving really hard. I've only been home 3 hours and I want to act like the rest of the world doesn't exist.

23 November 2009

lady

1. New Brother song- myspace.com/thebrothercircus
2. Regina Spektor- ' Laughing With'
3. soulpancake.com
4. Spring Awakening (I think I am addicted. the 3rd time around was just as impacting.)




I feel peace in spite of all of the things I have to do in the next few weeks. Christmas break has never looked so good. I need some change of scenery. San Francisco is lookin like the plan for New Years with friends, which will be great because I'll already be up there for Christmas. I can't wait. In the mean time, I am perpetually playing catch-up between all of my classes and work and keeping in touch with all the people that I love.
I am in denial that Mackenzie will be gone next semester. My meetings with Evelynn are are ending soon, which makes me incredibly sad. I'm mostly in denial about that too.






19 November 2009

lifes a tickin'

Dan taught me how to play scrabble and I successfully studied for that midterm of death and I saw the first meteor I've ever seen blast through the air ocean with some of the people I love most and I'm accepting and dreaming and the possibilities seem endless and Chris reminds me that we all have a time limit on our life and then I realize that I'm in a hurry to get all the things done before my timer goes off.  Tick Tick Tick, Think, Do, Tick, Do, Regress, Tick, Jump, Love, Tick Tick I have to ignore the timer or my mind will spiral out of control. I read people my poems for the first time and I'm singing alot and making lists and I think all of this means that I'm growing.

10 October 2009

dont fall apart

I feel like my insides are scattered everywhere
and when I frantically try and pick them up
I realize there’s more in another place and
Its overwhelming and I want to take care of
Everyone around me and Im trying and more
Parts just keep falling and so do yours and yours
And I don’t know how to sew myself let alone
any of you back together.

04 October 2009

puppy love



turtle cat

"When you have seen a little glimpse that you are the creator of your own misery, it will be very difficult for you now to go on creating it."
 a quote from Meditation Tip of the Day :) I thought it was a profound little blurb.




People think I'm weird because I like pictures of animals being friends. But they warm my heart alot, so check it.

03 October 2009

spirit ual

I am experiencing for the first time in awhile, a strong desire for faith in something. I desperately want to be able to have faith in at least one attribute of God, or faith in a purpose of the existence of human life. I think for awhile I've convinced myself that I felt liberated in being outside of all organized religion; believing that searching for meaning and purpose outside of the here and now is pathetic and needy, and that I didn't need a crutch. Well I am officially over that, it is exhausting. As much as I feel completely disconnected from peoples' experiences in chapel, I find myself desperately wanting what they have; some sort of collective and communal understanding of at least a few concrete details pertaining to the purpose of life and higher power. It is surreal being in this position, knowing that a year or two ago, I would have looked at me now as somewhat of an outsider... that poor, lost person who I would pray would somehow find salvation. Truly bizarre to think about. I know who I really want to believe that God is... do you form faith by just telling yourself who God is enough times, that you start to believe it at some point? Mackenzie thinks I intellectualize all of this way too much. I realize that things of the unconscious and spiritual nature are far beyond the bounds of earthly intellectualization however, I cannot seem to get in touch with this other side of existence. This unconscious, this spiritual, this concept of blind faith... I'm even trying to understand what sort of method I am supposed to go about exercising in order to attain faith. Hahaha. That's pretty hilarious when I say that out loud. So I guess... I just sit and wait, wait for my life experiences to give me authentic faith in something? That's all I can really do at this point. I have been trying to pray. By trying I mean praying, just not knowing if it is working.
That's all for now.

30 September 2009

recent events

1. poetry reading
2. house broken into, laptop and ipod stolen
3. self-loathing
4. self-evaluation
5. new beginnings
6. being truly broke
7. new avett brothers cd
8. overwhelming workload with classes
9. starting my meetings with evelyn at the nursing home
10. bon iver sunrise show- pure bliss
11. edward sharpe for free in venice beach

much has happened in one week. went from major high to low to high. i think the rollercoaster is smoothing out however, and some major self-evaluation is helping me to re-focus my priorities and my heart. classes are overwhelming but i love them. bon iver was the first spiritual experience i have had in a long while. i am exhausted, but in a mostly good way. house of love needs to dumpster dive stat, i have no money and no food. things have a way of working themselves out. its nice to be able to count on that.

13 September 2009

Recommendations

1. Dumpster diving; our kitchen is now OVERFLOWING with food thanks to Trader Joes' wasteful ways.
2. The Harlem Shakes
3. Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros
4. Adele
5. The Bell Jar
6. Pilates on Sundays with all 7 roommates.
7. Shift Artist Collective show tonight at El Cid's at 9 o'clock.

27 August 2009

grateful

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This summer has been a summer of heat and growth. Hours spent on our porch couches, too many ciggarettes smoked, books read, books started and not finished, new movies, eating steamed veggies every single day, lots of coffee, lots of water, lots of sun, girl talk galore, downsizing to a small purse, letting my hair get ratted with the windows down on the freeway (and not caring) (this is a big deal for me) (pathetic, yes), trying to be more compassionate, making lists, crossing things off, procrastinating, singalongs, l.a. trips, new friends, more new friends, late nights, our 12 foot tall sunflowers, processing, coping, making more lists. I am so thankful for a houseful of friends that are all apart of my journey, that are helping shape how I learn to live and love human beings, that all have beautiful and different angles of thought and perspective. I am thankful that I was able to push through a hump of self-deprecation and sadness. I am thankful that I have passion to be a whole person mind, body, and soul, and feel motivation to make things happen. This summer my extended family has expanded. growth, love, companionship, tears, aloneness, laughter... This summer was really fucking hard. This summer was full of a lot of pain, but also full of alot of joy and healing.

20 August 2009

i wish i had a river that i could skate away on

I am trying to live. I am trying to soak up all the moments and remember all the little details and be a good person. I am learning. I don’t want to miss anything.

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11 August 2009

i think my heart will continue to hurt for a long, long time. i hate that.
david bazan and augustana and the dirty projectors are on repeat in my car. im re-reading middlesex now. i was really sad when i finished extremely loud and incredibly close. i didnt want it to end. 500 days of summer was beautiful, as was coraline! i can't wait until i get off work tomorrow... 5 days of no work and fun fun fun with friends. birthday festivities and the flaming lips and universal studios and on and on.

06 August 2009

hard to be

david bazan's new album hits incredibly close to home. he beautifully articulates my insides, and it blows my mind while i listen to 'hard to be' and 'curse your branches' on repeat. maybe because of bazan's new album constantly playing in my household, but there has been alot of religious/post-christian conversation going on amongst my friends. ive shoved these conversations both out loud and in my head as far away as possible for some time now, having felt drained from a year of empty seeking. i think it has been a good thing for me to view these again.
july was a month of self-evaluation and these last few weeks have been refreshing and intentional. my job is decent and im meeting new people. i cant say that im anywhere near a state of mind where i can confidently say that i am okay being alone. but i am really trying and learning alot about who i am. people said that would happen.
my house is always full of people and i love it. our sunflowers continue to grow and grow and grow. cheyenne continues to shit and pee on our carpet. i continue to smoke way too much. growing growing growingggggggggggg. its hard but i guess thats usually how growing feels.

22 July 2009

"You cannot protect yourself from sadness without protecting yourself from happiness."

i'm re-reading Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, and loving every minute of it.

19 July 2009

soaking

1. camping
2. santamonica pier
3. dancing
4. rocky horror picture show
5. picnic
6. beach day alone
7. bonfire

these are things i need to do before the end of the summer. preferably more than once. i feel stagnant and i hate it and i need to be proactive in changing that. there are many more things i could add to the list, but those things require money. money that i still don't have because i am still unemployed. there is a glimmer of hope on the horizon however, and i hope it comes through. (jobwise) im trying to learn how to soak in every moment, and to stop needing another person to soak these moments in in their entirety.

05 July 2009

fireworks

That was the most amazing 4th of July I have ever had!

01 July 2009

groggy

-fired from job
-newfound domestic tendencies
-pool visits and browning skin
-feeling pointless
-closure that i didn't want
-histerical laughter with roommates
-letting go when all of me is resisting
-puppy coming soon
-jamie leaving soon
-hollyn coming soon
-rearranged furniture
-perpetually black feet
-too many ciggarettes

19 June 2009

that is all

Hmm... so I've gone from 40 hours a week to a good 7 1/2 hours in a week in a matter of two days. The shit just keeps hitting the fan. And once again I am thrown back into what I thought I was done with for a long while, applying for jobs at the worst possible time. Bah! How will I pay rent? That is the question on repeat in my mind.
Our house has cockroaches and needs repairs, and yet I still look forward to coming home to it each day. Sixty Six was a beautiful movie. I have a pop mix that I have been listening to on repeat. I washed my car. The sun is coming out and I'm waking up sweaty every morning. Roommate dance parties have become an almost daily ritual. My laptop's life is waning slowly...
That is all.

07 June 2009

grind through

everything slows down again and immediately sad smacks me in the face. i love distraction, but i hate when the distraction fizzles and i realize that all it was was distraction. trying to let go for my own sanity, but finding that concept something difficult to wrap my mind around.
UP was a beautiful movie and made me cry. my friends are beautiful and i love seeing them on the daily. bon iver is beautiful and is my comfort music, as well as my wallowing music. back to work in 14 hours for a full week of 40 hour office grind.

03 June 2009

mi casa es su casa

I love my roomies. I love my transformed abode. Come one, come all; EVERYONE IS WELCOME!!

oh and i got a full time job. that's a load off. i start tomorrow.

23 May 2009

angsty

i'm not sleeping very well and i perpetually feel like i'm going to explode.

21 May 2009

dont tell me to pray about it

that thing is happening that happens to leon sometimes. im so overwhelmed and stressed out that i can barely even think or process or articulate. my brain hurts and feels numb. what am i even doing. how do i even know whats right; is there a right or a wrong? where did all of this even start? i cant make a decision for shit. what is wrong with me. or right.
how do i find answers within myself to make these really big decisions when i am such a cloudy mess? dont tell me to pray about it.

17 May 2009

needy girl

I just need to be surrounded by people all the time right now, and yet I've generally been a recluse for the past two weeks. I need to move to Azusa already. I need comraderie I need someone to talk on the phone with I need someone to stay up late with (it's been 3 or 4 in the morning since I got home.) I hate heart pangs.

06 May 2009

blog sucking

And now I remember why I suck at blogs. When real shit happens in my life, I am so apprehensive to write about it. I don't know where to start, don't know if I should be displaying my life on a web page anyways, and it really just feels like too much to sit and write about the present. That is why I can hardly keep up with a journal.
Maybe I'll get back to you.

21 April 2009

peace of mind

I cannot remember the last time I felt inner peace. Until now. I had a lot of self-realizations on Friday, and chose to be wholly honest with myself about who I am. You'd be surprised at how hard that is to do... to take an authentic self-inventory, and then just stare at it. Sure, I felt shitty about myself for a little. But it was shockingly freeing to connect alot of dots. I realized how much of my anxiety is self-induced. I realized that I am always focusing on what this moment isn't, what I am not, and who you are not. It has completely halted any possibility for me to live in the moment. These are general results of many, many particular habits and characteristics I discovered that I possess; habits and characteristics that are ugly. It might sound like a depressing discovery, but it truly was liberating. .It was the first time I have felt any ounce of spirituality in an extremely long time. Who would of thought this would come out of me going to Asterid's AA meeting and watching her speak?
I feel a lot of gratitude right now; for people and my life in general. I feel peaceful in spite of stressful circumstances. I just hope this sticks.

04 April 2009

here goes

I kind of just jumped right in there and got to business with that last post. I went backwards... now I'll intro to my blog I guess.
Blogs scare me. Often times, I find them pretentious which then makes me fearful to just write my thoughts as they are. So here I go... writing my thoughts and choosing not to care. I feel like I need to record moments and phases of thought I experience; I am always anxious and often do not fully retain beauty and pain and personal evolution because I don't give myself time to. I need to catch up with what is going on within me and around me. This is a small part of that attempt.

if there is anyone who is in the sun

The only thing I am sure of at this point, is the beauty of humanity.
I am amazed at how much I have assumed for such a long period of my life. It does not really make that much sense to ASSUME that God loves individuals. It does not really make that much sense to ASSUME that there is "one way" to truth. There are times when it makes some sense to me, but then my mind clouds and I am full of doubt again. I am sick of cliche; my heart is hard towards Christendom. My heart is hard towards exclusivism, and towards those who assume "Christ is the only way." I sometimes still believe this, but very loosely; not in terms of the 'salvation prayer.'
I am angry at exclusivists for thinking they know all; and yet in this angriness I think that I know they are wrong... which in turn makes me an exclusivist in my own way. And it is in this hardened heart I have towards these people, that I lack love. And then there is nothing in me to counteract what I perceive from them as self-righteousness.
Is it wrong to be exclusivist to some degree? There has to be some solid ground. I cannot completely buy cultural relativism, and yet I become angry with those who think they have it all right and concrete. I'm just a loose cannon right now. Nothing is concrete for me.
Ramble, ramble, ramble. My mind is in a constant state of circulation when it comes to the topic of spirituality and the institutions that come with it. Sometimes I am okay with not knowing and really embracing all of this ambiguity and unsure-ness as apart of 'the journey,' and sometimes I feel completely overwhelmed by it, and sometimes I just feel angry and want to blame people for screwing up what I thought was a pure image of God.
This is a big time for me in my life. I have growing pains. And I am not the happiest I have ever been. But I know my questions, blame, confusion, and exposure to realities of the world are apart of me becoming more one with the rest of the world... being thrown deeper and deeper into solidarity with the rest of the world and this bewildering, cosmic mystery called life.